Question of the week: How soon should I introduce someone to my kids?

Dear Marsay,

I have been thinking about getting back into the dating game and dating as a single mom is not easy. It can be harder because you have to find someone that is good for both you and your kids, which can be stressful. I want to know when is the best time to introduce your kids to someone you are dating?

Mary K.

Dear Mary K.,

Well you have asked a very good question. I know from personal experience it can be very hard to date as a single parent, but not impossible. I applaud you for wanting to get back out there and live your life dating, meeting new people and who knows you may meet that special someone. But, as you stated before you are a package deal and if a man is wanting more with you he has to accept your kids. But, how soon should he meet your children?

I say it depends on the relationship and if it's what you want and something you feel confident in. I would not do it before you know his true intentions. Are you in a committed relationship are you guys exclusive? If you are not sure about the status of the relationship, than you should not introduce your kids. I really can't put a time line on it because every relationship is different and some move faster/slower than others.

I believe you should have some discretion about it. I have seen situations where the children were introduced to every man their mother dated. I do not agree with or recommend this. I believe that every one you date should know you have kids, but your kids should not meet everyone you date. This is my rule to dating. I only introduced my children after the relationship grew and became exclusive and I was clear on where I stood.

I hope this helps but ultimately you will need to do what works best for you and your children. I wish you the best and good luck, the dating world is crazy.

Regards,

Marcee'

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Can a Woman Raise a Man?

Here is an article I just wrote as a guest author...

Can a Woman Raise a Man?

By Marcee’ Bonds

Depending on who you ask some would say yes and others would say no. But, from my experience majority of the no’s are from men. They explain their reasoning by stating how a woman is not a man and she doesn’t understand what the black man goes through, so on and so forth. I totally agree that we are not men and some things we will not understand but I disagree in saying that a woman can raise a man. As a single mother of two wonderful boys I believe I have been successful in my parenting in spite of their father’s absence.

I remember the anxiety I felt when it became clear I was going to be doing this alone. I had so many questions. How can I do this on my own? Who’s going to show him how to shave? Who’s going to show him how to tie a tie? What will I say when it’s time to talk about sex? I had no idea what to expect. I grew up with all sisters and my parents are married, my father was and still is around. I knew that I would need to build a support system to make this happen. But, the first priority was to get myself together emotionally and financially to provide a higher quality of life for my son.

It wasn’t always easy being a single parent. I had to be very sensitive to my son’s emotional state in this situation. There were times where I could see that he was bothered that other kid’s fathers were around and his was not. This would break my heart and upset me at the same time. I would feel helpless because I could not make his father want to be responsible. I had to figure out ways to make my son feel adequate and understand that this is not his fault.

Trying to help my son understand his father’s choice was never easy. My son always had questions about his father. He wanted to know his name, where he lived, what he looked like and etc. He was curious he wanted to know who his father was. It is very natural for a young man to long for a relationship with his father; therefore, I never took his curiosity personal. I would answer all his questions truthfully in a way that he could understand.

During the early years and up to junior high it was a lot easier to raise my son. But, once he started junior high and going through pre-adolescence he was craving more male interaction. He no longer wanted to hang out with me and go places with me. He wanted some more independence. I was not ready for it and this stage was very awkward for both of us. He started talking to me less and I really didn’t understand how to help him through this. I noticed that he would open up more to his friends or other males. I think he felt he was able to relate to them better than he could with me.

Seeing this change in him, I felt lost. I had no idea what was going on in his head and I knew that as he grows older he is really going to need some male guidance. At that point I started to reach out to my church at the time and community programs for positive male mentors. My church had stared a boy scout troop and I signed my son up for that. I am very grateful for that experience the boy scout leader was very good at keeping my son on track and he was a great role model. He would take his time to talk to my son and spent time with him outside of the weekly meetings. I really appreciated that and I could tell my son was listening to him. Being in boy scouts taught my son positive and resourceful skills he can carry throughout his life.

I also, signed my son up for Big brothers and Big sisters. This is a free service where adults volunteer their time to mentor young children. He was matched right away with a big brother who was raised by a single mother also, so they had a lot in common. That was a good experience as well. The big brother was a young successful black male and that is the type of role model I wanted my son to see.

Along with having positive role models in my son’s life, I kept him active in sports. He played them all but football was his favorite and he played from JFL all the way to high school. I figured sports was a good way to keep him busy and out of trouble. It could also help him with his social skills and his coaches could be good role models. I sacrificed and attended every single game and practice. As I stated earlier, in the beginning of his football playing my son would be bothered when the others kid’s fathers were in the stands or on the sidelines; but by the time he was playing in high school it was a non-factor, his father’s absence became expected.

I remember during my son’s senior year in high school he became very angry with his father. I had never seen him that upset he even threatened violence on him. I will never forget that moment, I had to talk my son out of doing something stupid. By this time my son had met his father, they only met once and my son realized that his father missed out on being a part of his life. They did try to build a relationship but unfortunately it did not work out. I am not sure how his father feels about the situation or what he expected to happen. I assume it was very uncomfortable for both of them, but my goal was to support my son in whatever choice he made.

Fortunately, I did not experience some of the negative consequences that most single mothers go through with their sons, but I still had to deal with the emotional issues that come with it. I believe that doing what I mentioned here along with what’s in my book assisted with getting us to this point. My son is an adult now and he has never been in any trouble, he has not succumbed to violence and he is being very responsible. We have overcome the stereotypes and statistics for the black single parent home and I am very proud of the man my son has become.

Marcee’ Bonds is the author of A Single Mother’s Point of View: Raising a Black Man. Copies are currently available on Amazon for purchase and download. If you would like to contact the author send inquiries to info@marceebonds.com